Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
