sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
