My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
