You just made me feel so damn special
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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