Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
thus making me awesome and them whores
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
