watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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