There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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