it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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