apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
