Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
