So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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