My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
