so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
