dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
