hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
