he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
