we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
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I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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