i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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