Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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