Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
