Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
