by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
