my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
