When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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