At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
