I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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