OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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