we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
