I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Operation Purity has been aborted
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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