I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
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You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
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Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live