It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
