I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
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She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
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I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.