I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?