After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
