she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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