Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
