i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
