Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
