1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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