I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
