I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Randomize
