Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
