I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
