I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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