You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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