It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
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I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
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What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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