I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
