Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again