So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.