in pain and im wearing pink underwear
i dont own pink underwear
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.