I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
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im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
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the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey