Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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