he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize