just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
