The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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