Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
