Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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