Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
