It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
