I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!