I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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