awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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