20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
